Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
