fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
