There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish my penis had an off switch
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
