so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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