if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
