Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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