So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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