Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
