I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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