Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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