Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
