Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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