i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
