got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
