i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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