i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
