Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
