Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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