No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
