His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
