Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize
