Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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