she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
