I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
