Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
