The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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