things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
