Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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