I faked an abortion last night.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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