my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
