She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
