I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
is wine microwaveable?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
