I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
