Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
