I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
