Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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