My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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