Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
