Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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