Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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