I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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