Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
