the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
