remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
