So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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