Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
