Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
