just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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