the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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