Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
