My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
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