the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
