another moral hangover. fuck.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
